30.05.10 - Love Changes Everything

If I was a visiting speaker here today I might start something like this...

It really is a tremendous privilege being with you today. I have been looking forward to this for a long time. It is also very nice being in Gore – or should I say Gorrrre? I’ve never been here before but it really is a very nice town. I think your main street, and the gardens, are very attractive. I should have come long before now.

You know, I think my mother’s cousin used to live in Gore. Her husband was the postmaster. I don’t know if any of you would have known him – Dick Mangnall. I think it was Gore. Mind you that was before most of you were born by the looks of you.

Thank you for having me. It’s a pleasure to be in the home of the Ranfurly Shield. Go Southland.

Why would I start like that?

It’s about establishing rapport. I want there to be a connection between us and so I focus on two things: paying you compliments and mentioning things that we have in common.

I imagined that I hadn’t been in Gore before – which I hadn’t before I came here the first time! Often a speaker will talk about previous visits or family connections – just to say, “We have something in common.” I could have mentioned that my sister married a Southland farmer and immediately there are two connections: Southland and farming.

The thing I did wrong, I think, was mentioning Gorrrre. Every visitor does it and I find it totally tedious and annoying – which illustrates how easy it is to get it wrong. A visitor might think he/she is mentioning something we will appreciate but actually we don’t (I think.)

When I wrote that sentence I changed it from “I might think I am mentioning something you will appreciate but actually you don’t (I think)” to “A visitor might think he/she is mentioning something we appreciate but actually we don’t (I think).” There is a huge difference. In the first instance I was telling you what I think you think. In the second, I talk about “us”. It is all about rapport – feeling that we are connected. I’m a Southlander too. I live in Gore too. I’m one of you.

With someone we don’t know, we are initially suspicious. “Who is this person? Can I trust him? Why should I listen to what he says?” Because the speaker wants us to listen, he/she tries to break down that suspicion by saying “I am one of you. We have things in common.” And by saying, “I like you.” And we respond by thinking, “Hey, this person is alright. I’ll listen.”

The speaker wants to be influential. People are influenced by people they like. We resist people we don’t like. But if we like someone, the walls come down and we are more open to being influenced.

We hear of people going on charm offensives; kissing babies, shaking hands, being seen in the right circles, sending out personalised letters, individually signed. Why? To win people’s hearts. Why win people’s hearts? Because they want to influence them in some way.

Think of Paul Reynolds, the CEO of Telecom, when their network kept going down. He very intentionally fronted up at every media opportunity and was open about how the situation wasn’t good enough and people weren’t getting adequate service and how frustrated he was and how hard they were working to fix it. And we thought, “Hey, I like this guy. He is honest and willing to apologise.”

But maybe, when we hear that he is paid over $5 million per year, we like him less, and we listen less. All of these things influence us.

If you want to be influential:
• Pay people compliments, or complement them on their children. They will love you instantly.
• Remember their names and use them
• Remember the names of their children and what they are up to
• Remember their current issues. When you ask, they will be delighted that you remembered.

Maybe you didn’t remember at all! Maybe, actually, you wrote it down in your wee notebook after the previous meeting and you refreshed your memory just before this meeting.

These are techniques. Are they good techniques? Yes, we should all do what we can to show an interest in people. We should all develop these techniques.

But they are just techniques. They can say, “I am interested in you” but they can be used just as easily because I am interested in me. I might be interested in your wellbeing but I might just as easily be interested in my wellbeing. Maybe I want something from you. We recognise this when someone complements us as we jokingly (or, perhaps not so jokingly) ask, “What do you want?” We know that these techniques can be used to manipulate. It is how con artists work. They win people’s confidence with these sorts of techniques and then they persuade those people to hand over their money, or whatever.

These techniques work. We are influenced by people we like. But the important thing is: What is the motivation behind the technique? Am I interested in you? Am I interested in me?

John’s account of the Last Supper starts with these words:
John 13:1 It was just before the Passover Feast. Jesus knew that the time had come for him to leave this world and go to the Father. Having loved his own who were in the world, he now showed them the full extent of his love.

The Last Supper was a demonstration of the depth of Jesus’ love. Then Jesus washed the disciples’ feet – the job of a servant and yet He was their Lord and Master. They possibly didn’t quite know how to take it but do you think that amongst their various emotions, they knew that they were loved by this man?

I suspect that every word spoken that night was remembered because it was spoken with love and the disciples knew that. They knew they were loved.

Jesus kept talking about His love for them – maybe not even using the word “love”
• Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust me. I am going to prepare a place for you and I will come back and take you to be with me (Jn 14:1-3)
• I will not leave you alone like orphans. I will come to you. (Jn 14:18)
• Anyone who loves me will be loved by my Father and I too will love them and show myself to them (Jn 14:21)
• As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. (Jn 15:9)
• Etcetera. There were many more expressions of love.

And then Jesus was arrested and tried and crucified. When they eventually understood it, the disciples knew that that was the greatest expression of love the world has ever seen. The immortal Son of God, laid down His own life – willingly died – willingly became a sacrifice taking the sins of the world on Himself.

As Jesus had said, during the Last Supper,
John 15:13 13 Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends

There is no greater love. After Easter, the disciples renewed their commitment to Jesus in part, at least, because they knew that this man loved them. He had sacrificed for them.

Jesus has influenced the whole world. Partly that is because He is the truth. Partly it is because He is the Son of God. But partly it is because people know that He loves them.

Love changes everything. If people know the motivation is love, then your asking after them is not just a technique. It is genuine, heart-felt interest and concern.

Even hard things can received if the recipient knows they are said in genuine love.

Eph 4:15 ...speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the head, that is, Christ.

The truth, by itself, might not be received well. See how influential love is? Speaking the truth in love will produce Christlike people. Love changes everything.

Jesus wants us to be influential. He wants us to make a difference. He wants people coming to know Him and growing to maturity in Him. He wants to see lives changed. He wants us to be right in the midst of it and being catalysts for change. And He knows that to be influential we need to be liked. But it is more than just techniques. If people know that we love them, then they will be open to our influence.

When Jesus talked about there being no greater love than laying down one’s life for one’s friends, do you know what He was really saying? He was talking about His own death but only really in a secondary way. He was actually saying that we are to do that - in the same way He did. The preceding verse says:
John 15:12 12 My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you... 13 Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends.

He laid down His life. We are to love in the same way.

Back in John 13, the same chapter in which Jesus washed the disciples’ feet, Jesus said:
John 13:34-35 34 "A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. 35 By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another."

See how influential love is. When people see us love each other in the same way that Jesus has loved us, they will know that we are His disciples. Love speaks even when we don’t.

Love changes everything. Love changes techniques into authentic expressions. Love changes how much people will listen. Love changes people.

If you want to introduce people to Jesus, then first love them. If you want to give advice, delay the advice until the other person knows that you love him. If you want to influence someone, first love that person.

How can we love? We cannot love in the same way, and the same extent, that Jesus has loved us without God’s help. That love is supernatural. We can only pray for the love of God to be in us.

During the American Revolution, a Baptist pastor in Pennsylvania, Peter Miller, was a friend of George Washington but he also had an enemy. Michael Wittman was an evil man who went out of his way to oppose and humiliate the pastor.

One day, Wittman was arrested for treason and sentenced to die. Peter Miller walked about 112 km to Philadelphia to plead for the life of the traitor. However, George Washington said, "No, Peter, I cannot grant you the life of your friend."

"My friend!" exclaimed the old preacher. "He's the bitterest enemy I have."

"What?" cried Washington. "You've walked seventy miles to save the life of an enemy? That puts the matter in different light. I'll grant your pardon." And he did.

Peter Miller took Michael Wittman back home – no longer an enemy, but a friend.

That love influenced George Washington but it also changed the life of Michael Wittman.

As well as praying for that sort of love, we can start using the techniques. Pay complements. Remember people’s names and what is happening in their lives, find common ground, give up your time, listen, pray for them.

Just love, and see what power love has.